#thatshittymomentwhen

Dear Night Owls,
It's not even late as I write this, but the sun has gone down and the stars and moon have come out to play. If only they were visible to me tonight. While my fingers punch each letter on the keyboard, I'm listening to Maroon 5's "Never Gonna Leave This Bed" and I can feel my eyes burning from tears that are fighting to break the baracade that holds them back. I'm over my ex, but I still have a difficult time dealing with the fact that he cheated on me. With his ex-girlfriend. Yeah. Great way to start off senior year, right?

If you ever want to make someone feel worthless, stupid, unwanted...cheat on them! It does all that and more! One of the other things that he took from me when he was unfaithful: trust. I don't know how I'm supposed to trust someone else with my feelings, my thoughts, my heart, me. I feel like a fool because he played me. Let me believe he was genuine when he'd been keeping this secret from me for months. I can't trust myself to make a good decision after I'd made such a poor one when I wanted to still be with him.

Moving on is easier said than done. Sometimes I just don't know how. How can I forgive him for changing the person I was. I liked her so much better than who I am now. This new girl is less optimistic. She's angry and sad even when she plasters a smile on her face. She's fake. She pretends to be strong when she's unraveling. She's insecure and she doesn't know how to get back to who she was. Identity theft. I miss me. I want to be happy and smiley again. I am so sick of this imposter. This wannabe. Why can't she just be?

Because some things are better expressed in poetry...
"She Will Be"
On the surface she smiles brightly,
with her sadness showing slightly.
No one sees nor hears her pain.
Her tears are silent unlike the rain.

A skeleton, empty, a bag of bones;
She never wimpers, she never moans.
Instead she laughs and acts with ease,
trying to be happy, trying to please.

Destroyed,
Devastated,
Demolished,
Determined.

She will pull through,
she must.

Stopping,
Starting,
Stranger,
Stronger.

Better than ever.
She will be.

I know it'll all be fine though. It just takes time. And I do believe in true love still. Sometimes the night triggers certain emotions.

Stay up well my friends! It's the weekend-- no bed time!
Yours Truly, Julia