Back At It

Man, how I've missed writing. The feeling of my fingers moving swiftly across the keyboard is indescribable. It's like a friendship that picks up right where it left off. There are no hard feelings between the two of us (though, there should be due to my intense neglect).

I think part of the reason I haven't written is that I haven't had anything new to write about. Plus, I've been swamped with school. I was stuck in an abyss of research papers and literary analyses. Their gravity is relentless, constantly pulling me down, down, down. Though, I have to say I was pleased with my grades. So I really shouldn't be complaining that much, should I?

But now I have something to write about: my excitement for tomorrow!! Tomorrow I will be homeward bound to Minnesota for the last time. While that thought is upsetting and hits me with a pang of sadness, I'm anxious to get home and be with my family and friends for Christmas break! Hello one month of vacation!!!!! If my exclamation point usage doesn't give away my emotions, then the sky isn't blue. Although, this is my late night blog, so the sky is black right now (with some stars freckling its face). But I guess it's got to be blue somewhere, right? Probably in Australia... What I would give to be able to go to Australia....

Anyway, break here I come! Snow, prepare yourself for an epic play date. Friends and family, expect bear hugs. And house, though this is our last time together, know that you've been great and I'll never forget the memories made there.

On that note, I've got a ten hour car ride in the morning! So good night! Sleep well, or not at all my fellow night owls!

Forever yawning, Julia

Buddy Knows Best

"What's my favorite movie?" you might ask. I'd answer, "Elf" in less than a second and a half. It puts me in a GREAT mood no matter what season it is (yes, I watch it in July if that was what you were wondering). Not only is Will Farrell a fantastic actor, but also the script is just full of classic, humorous lines. How often do you find yourself laughing at a joke you've heard numerous times? I. Love. Elf. No questions asked.

Want to know what I love more than Elf?

Of course you do.

My boyfriend.

I'm in love with Erik John Roti. He is the nicest, most genuine, hilarious, goofy, crazy (in a good way), silly, wonderful guy I know.

Erik is the type of guy who gave me back my confidence. He is the guy that let me believe in myself and showed me that there is more than me than what is on the surface. Without him I wouldn't be the girl I am today.

It's weird to think that we've been dating for only almost four months. I feel like it's been almost four years. Which it has been if you think about it (we've been FLIRTY friends since freshman year...both of us too stupid to realize the other liked eachother).

Erik makes me laugh more than anyone I've ever met. In all honesty,once high school came, I never thought I would genuinely laugh again. I faked my way through plenty of jokes, events, and randommess. But, I never meant any of it. I wasn't depressed, but I may as well have been. I wasn't sure of anything. I was insecure. I was stupid. I didn't know what I wanted. I realized later that I just wasn't happy. I tried dating another guy (I later realized this was a disaster) but that didn't work out. No one ever made me feel the way Erik does.

It's weird to think that someone so close to you could end up being the key that unlocks your happiness. But, that is exactly what I realized Erik was to me. He made me happier than anything ever had and anyone ever could. I know I'm only 18, but I know he is the love of my life. No one EVER could replace him. No one EVER could make me laugh the way he does. 11 hours away and he still has me laughing harder than I ever have (and it's genuine).

Erik, if you read this (which you will because I'll send you this link) I want you to know that I've never loved anyone (and I don't know that I ever will) the way that I love you. And I think you're the most perfect and amazing guy. You literally make me the happiest I've ever been and I'm a really happy person. You know exactly the right thing to say no matter what and you can make me smile even when I'm feeling the lowest. I don't know what I'd do without you and I'm so thankful I have you in my life. You are my best friend and I love you more than you will ever know.

Insecurities

Every once in a while I have moments of insecurities. Seconds. Or even a fraction of a second. I reassure myself that this is normal, but I don't even know where it stems from. What happened to the little girl who fearlessly wore a pink high-heeled flip-flop on her left foot and an Adidas tennis shoe on her right? That girl who had the confidence to wear whatever it is she thought would define her as unique even if it meant wearing six different pony tails at one time no longer exists. At least not all the time.

It has nothing to do with the clothes I wear or wore (though I am SO glad I outgrew the blue and gold eyeshadow) but everything to do with the carefree attitude I once possessed.

Blame it on the media, the mean girls, boys, whatever you choose to be your scapegoat. Yeah, maybe they had some effects on who you are today, but is it ever just because of ourselves? We compare ourselves to everyone around us. Why don't I look like her? Why don't I act that cool in front of cute boys? Are we programmed to think this way eventually? Is it in our genes to be self-conscious?

I can remember doing whatever I wanted and not worrying. Worry. It's the thief of happiness. It gets us nowhere. It superglues us to the past and prevents us from moving on with our lives and enjoying them. Why do we worry? Is it because of what other people will think? Or is it because of what we will think of ourselves?

So many questions and it's not even midnight....can you say, "no sleep tonight?" I can....

If anyone has answers, I'm willing to listen. Good night y'all!

boo.

How do you tell the person you love the most that you're not always the person he thought you were? How can I say, "I'm miserable" without worrying him or making him think he did something wrong? The funny thing is, it has NOTHING to do with him. No. It has everything to do with exhaustion, homesickness, and loneliness. But I guess the latter two go hand in hand.

I can honestly say I never thought I would be homesick. Then again, I never anticipated to sit home by myself on a Friday night. Granted, watching Bridesmaids is an overall enjoyable experience, but it isn't ideal especially when all of my friends are out and having a good time. It's not the best feeling when all of the friends you've made already have their group of friends or boyfriends that they can call up when there's nothing to do. I have never missed my boyfriend or my best friend as much as I do in this very moment. Kayle, if you ever read this I will never watch Bridesmaids without thinking of you. Boo. I'm trying not to cry with that one. Erik, if you read this I'm not as sad as I seem. I'm just feeling down on myself because I feel like I have no friends. But, I promise as soon as I wake up in the morning I will turn this frown upside down and be just as positive as I always seem to be.

Welcome to my pity party. I never complain about this kind of stuff. At least not normally. I just needed to vent to someone and who better to listen to my rants than this under the radar blog? Fortunately, I'm already feeling better. It's funny how just getting the words out on paper (though it's not exactly paper) can make me feel better. Thank you, writing. You have been and always will be there for me.

Okay. Now that I've had my negative moment, I can switch it back to positive. Which is how I usually am and how I always should be.

I better get to sleep. The lack of Z's is contributing to my overwhelming amount of emotions. Boo. Sleep is a whore. Always with someone else. Cheating on me are you? I see how it is. Come back to my bed now. I miss you. Thanks.





Again, I apologize for any disoriented and fragmented thoughts. It's late. I'm tired. I'm emotional. It happens. Deal with it. Have a good night!

Love to Time (But in a Less Poetic Form)

Can one overuse "I love you?" Some people would say yes, but I would say no. Why not tell the people in your life who you love that you them? How are we to know how much longer we have on this earth? I don't mean to be morbid or cliche, but it's an idea worth thinking about. Well, at least it's one of those thoughts that circulates the air in my head, suffocating my brain, forbidding me to sleep.

It's not as easy as it seems to live our lives to the fullest. Without fear, without restraints. Even as someone challenges you to push yourself outside of your comfort zone, you may find it's a lot easier said than done. Taking one risk a day is something I've always wanted to do but never had the courage to actually try. Maybe this new beginning I've been given is my place to achieve that goal. No one is here with me to hold me back or to tell me I can't. It's all up to me. Jump or don't jump. Do or die (not literally because, well, that would suck).

I know I should be sleeping and I know I should be more focused on my school work (it's really just one class that I can't stand... the ever dreaded World Lit). Sometimes I just find better things to do. These coming weeks are about to be jam packed with activities and I cannot wait! With everything finally starting to mold into a routine and our calendars filling up, the time is going to begin to fly by. It still hasn't hit me that I'm in my second week of college. Who am I and what have I done with Julia? Woah. Time. That slut. Going around like she runs this place. I hate her.

I found yet another amazing quote on pinterest. Unfortunately, I don't remember its author. "Procrastination is the thief of time." Think about it. Marinating. Soaking up the flavor. Mmmmm. Taste how good that quote is. Good night! Maybe now that I've verbalized a few of my mumble-jumbled thoughts I'll be able to sleep soundly.

Skype Dates

I've never been so thankful for technology. I mean, don't get me wrong, love letters are definitely as romantic as they were twenty years ago, but the fact that I'm able to skype with my boyfriend who is eleven hours away is probably one the best inventions man has ever had. I can't even imagine what it's like for the men and women whose significant others are halfway across the world. Distance, man, it's hard.

College is da bomb diggity. All the freedom I've ever wanted and more. If I want to I can go hang out until three in the morning and do stupid stuff with my friends, but lately my favorite thing I've done is skype dates. I'm not saying I'm not making the most of my college experience because believe me, I am. I just love coming back to my dorm and seeing that familiar curly mop head. It's the perfect remedy for homesickness, or rather, boyfriend-sickness.

Leave it to this blog to be full of random, unrelated, and poorly thought out strings of ideas and fragments and ramblings and stuff that doesn't make sense. I go from talking about skyping to thinking about how I had Ramen noodles for dinner and my sudden craving for chocolates (thank God for the hidden stash of candy above my desk).

I miss him. And his roommate Connor is really cool.

See? The randomness is sickening. I'm so sorry for anyone who was expecting a quality, well put together group of thoughts.

It's funny how you don't realize how much someone means to you (even if you think you do) until they're gone. </3

But honestly, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Dear Night Owls,

I often wonder if everything really does happen for a reason. Is it possible that God really does have a plan for us and he gives us just enough heartache before true happiness is in our grips? I think so. I also believe it's true that what we want isn't always the best thing for us (found that out the hard way). I just assume it's best to go with the flow and see where our choices take us.

Choices. What if we make the wrong ones? Or what if we're too late to choose the right option? Is that still a part of the plan? Can wrongs be righted? Fate and destiny are on the top shelf of comprehension. Just out of my reach. But maybe that's for the best... maybe I'm not supposed to understand such big ideas. Not yet anyway.  Heck, I'm only 17! (for one more month...).

I guess it's best if I just hope and pray that I'm doing everything right or at least to the best of my ability. If that's the case what can really go wrong?

Proma

Oh Prom... Proma... get it? Like drama, but prom.... Let's be honest it's on EVERY girl's mind right now. I can bet that there's at least twenty seven girls online shopping looking for THE perfect dress (might as well be a wedding). I would also guess (and probably be spot on) that there are about fifty two girls tossing and turning with nightmares invading their beauty sleep. How tragic. I'm up and blogging about it, so yeah, prom's a pretty big deal.

Which is more difficult to get: dress or date? I guess that depends on the girl.... So far I have neither Proma:1 Julia:0.

Isn't it funny how girls stress so much about one night? The $500 spent on a dress that will never be worn again could've been better spent on items such as: Chipotle, Free People clothes, Chipotle, and did I say Chipotle?

I had Chipotle for the first time in MONTHS tonight. It was delicious. Very delicious.

I do have a dress picked out, however. It's emerald green which tends to make my eyes look extra chocolate-y. Plus it's my birthstone a.k.a. May a.k.a. the month of prom... so I guess it's perfect right? Ahhhhh.

The asking is the best part. No doubt about that. Scavenger hunts, elaborate displays, shouting from roofs, in food, and whatever other crazy stunts guys pull these days! It's so fantastic and I love being the wing-woman! Got to do that today, had a blast! Completely turned my best friend's day around which is an automatic plus!

Oh prom. Proma. Prom drama. You shall not defeat me. I will prevail.

Hi

This blog is not neglected. It's just, well, slightly forgotten.

I'm sorry to all of my zero followers.

Just kidding. This blog is for me to journal anyway.

I don't need followers..........

Until my next sleepless night!

Yours Truly, NOA

aldjfaldajdk!!!!!!BOYS!

I feel the red snaking its way up to my cheeks. The uneasiness in my stomach is definitely not butterflies. Aren't those supposed to be happy and flying and, well, not in your stomach? If I had to compare my nausea to any sort of insect I'd choose a parasite. Maybe a tapeworm or whatever bug feeds off this morning's Eggos. I'm not your average girl. I can't compare these feelings to butterflies and magic and whatever other twisted, sparkling shit this stuff gets compared to. I've never had to deal with the uncomfortable shift in temperature and blood pressure when I hear my phone's "Ascending Charms" ringtone announcing the reception of a text message. I've never had to think twice about what I'm going to say.

All of that's changing. It's like I care or something. It's like I... no I can't even say the words, it's too embarrassing. But then again everything else is changing so drastically. What the hell, right? Wrong. Now I can't think straight? What is this? Could it be? Has my time finally come? Is it possibly possible? Do I maybe... sort of... just a little, little bit...like someone?

No.

Ridiculous.

Impossible.

Shit.

My heart keeps stopping for a second then starting back up. And I swear it's pumping blood ten times faster than before. I'm about to work up a sweat just by pushing a few buttons on a phone! Am I having a series of mini heart attacks? Make it stop. No. I kind of like it.  Take that back. Take it BACK!


And this is what girls have to deal with on daily basis.

<3

Wants and Needs

Summer (what I want). Summer (what I need). Yes, I need summer. I need as much as I need water to drink and air to breathe. I need it more than I need pizza or breakfast. I need it more than I need anything. Someone out there is shaking her head at me. Need. You've got to be joking. What an irresponsible thing to say. And cue scoffing and judgemental glares. I'm aware there are starving children in Africa and plenty of horrible things going on around the world. I know. And yes, it's extremely ridiculous that I'm in need of summer. But ya know what? I don't CARE! That's what I need. I need warmth and dangerous UVA/UVB rays penetrating my skin transforming it from white to brown. I need lazy days and bikinis and swimming pools and the lake and the beach and boats and fun. I need to not care that I just typed a run-on sentence. I need to let loose. I need to not care about everything. I need an escape.

I want all of this too.

I want school to stop going so fast. I want school to go by even faster. I want to never see my prison ever again. I want it to be 7:30 so I can be with my friends in jail. I want to go to state for track and field. I want to be lazy and eat fatty foods and sit on my couch all day long.

My wants are conflicting. My needs are not. I need my wants. I want my needs.


I need to start making sense when I write on this blog.

I need to finish my homework.

Is life a series of random events strung together? Or is it a well thought out plan designed by the one and only big man upstairs? I'm kind of hoping it's the second. I hope God's got a plan for me.

The random thoughts before my eyes decide to shut their blinds and my body decides to fall limp in a deep relaxation.

Ok. That's enough crazy for one night. Sleep/Stay up well my fellow night owls!
Yours Truly, Julia

All the Way Around

Backward. Forward. Up. Down. Upside down. Rightside up. Constant tugging on my limbs in every possible direction and angle. Brain rolled out like dough until it's so thin it begins to crumble. Worn out. Exhausted. Tired.

All of this and still sleep doesn't come to me. As I lay here I wonder why it doesn't wash over me like a wave washes over a sand castle when the tides turn high. I find myself always on the verge of depravation of sleep. I'm on the edge about to fall. All it takes is one step and I'll surrender my body to be a slave to my dreams. One step yet I can't seem to put my right foot forward. Or my left for that matter. Instead I choose to lay here. Eyes wide open. Sitting. Waiting. Wishing. Thinking. Jack Johnson's mellow tune pops into my head like a flower bud at the beginning of spring. Like the sun's rays escaping through the cracks of the stone wall of storm clouds. Wishing.

I missed 11:11. Does it work? It hasn't seem to extend its magic to me yet. Maybe it has to answer more pressing wishes first. I'm not dying.  Or maybe it's a load of crap? Dare I say, I refuse to believe magic doesn't exist. It has to. In some way. Maybe love is magic. People say it's the closest thing we have to magic. And if you think about it, love is one of the most prominent subjects in Harry Potter. I may have just set off my nerd-detector. Oops. Then again... I'm proud of myself. Nerd for lyf3. I promise I will never show this nor type like that again.

On a side note... I want need to be done with high school. College, please come sooner.

Stay up well Night Owls. Or sleep well. I'm hitting my crash time about an hour and half earlier than usual. Must be the no nap after school.
Yours Truly, Julia

Later, Later, Later

Dear Night Owls,
Every night I find myself staying up later, later, later. Mornings are impossible. Well, difficult. They're inevitable and enfuriating. As hard as I try to beat them back by pressing snooze on my alarm, they come back stronger and fiercer than before. Back with a vengence. They're out to get me, I know it.

I was going through pictures on Facebook and adding captions tonight. I had just finished typing one and pressing save when the line I had just entered lingered in my head. "Tonight's for making memories." I'm not sure whether I've heard it before (I wouldn't be surprised since my entire thoughts/speech are from movies and songs and other quotable places). Anyway, it stuck and I like it. It could make for a great song or line in a book or story if it isn't one already. I'm not convinced it's my own yet. It's too good to be true. Scratch that. I'm an optimist. I came up with a line that I will use in some sort of writing piece and I'm damn proud of it. Yeah.

Maybe it'd be a good book title or something. I don't know. I'll have to get brain storming. I should be saying I have to get to bed, but let's be honest here. When is that ever a good idea? Sleep is over rated. Or is it under rated? Either way I'm too good for sleep. HAH! What a joke. I should be on SNL for that one. If you thought I was being serious, well, you're seriously mistaken. You fool! Just kidding. It's okay. I don't expect you to know me that well yet. YET.

Sleep. It's pulling at my ankles right now, trying to drag me under the covers on my queen sized bed. Into the comfort and relaxation that would wrap me up like a delicious Chipotle burrito. I can feel it begin to press down on the brakes in my mind and start to draw the curtains that are my eyelids. Slow, slow, slow. Will I fall right away? Or will it take a few minutes before I drift off into a dream? I wonder. Thinking, questioning, laying, sleeping. Not yet.

Well, stay up or sleep well my friends! Tomorrow is Wednesday! Hump day! Hooray!!
Yours Truly, Julia

Long Time, No Write

Dear Night Owls,
Sorry it's been so long. I've been utterly busy with a bunch of nonsense crap and dealing with my addiction. Oh. That could be taken in the wrong direction. Allow me to clarify: addiction to procrastination. I hope my little er joke didn't offend anyone. In my opinion it should be considered a disease. All of that bull shit is beside the point of what I'm writing about tonight. I just figured my nonexistent readers needed to know why I've been gone for so long.

As Facebook and Twitter so kindly ask me, "What's on your mind?" or "What's happening?" I figured I should treat this blog post as an extended status/tweet. What do  you think?

It's Monday night/Tuesday morning and I should be sleeping. I didn't finish my physics homework and I'm banking on one of my friends having done it. If not... I'm screwed and my physics grade might as well be shit in a toilet. Flush. I always knew I was lazy, but this year has shown me to what magnitude. If in Dante's "Inferno" there is a circle of hell for laziness, there is no doubt that's where I would end up. *That statement is soley based off of my lazy habits, not the rest of my humanity...God if you're reading: please forgive me for all of my laziness and give me the strength to be more productive/less distracted! Thank you, Amen.*

On a different note... I want to use Mane and Tail shampoo and conditioner. I miss my long hair! A lot. It's stuck at that awkward length past the shoulders, but it might as well be shoulder length. It's just so bleh. How's that for a pointless tweet?

I really need to get back into my eating healthy/working out routine. The weekend was a nice little vacation, but now I need to step up my game. It's time to get my shit back in line and get ready for track season! 33 feet here I come! 15 feet you will be mine! Hustle, hustle, build more muscle! Go! Fight! Win! That should be some good ole fashion motivation! So on that more positive note I will say good morning and stay up well my friends!
Yours Truly, Julia

Dear Night Owls,
I'm graduating this spring. Me. I can't believe it. I won't even say what I'm thinking (It feels like just yesterday...). It's weird to think I'll be living on my own...which reminds me...I need to finish my housing application. Yikes! I'll be in a dorm. At college. Pledging a sorority. All of this in less than six months. Crazy, right? Time flies. It has to. How else do things change so quickly? I imagine a clock with wings circling around the world, its hands spinning around its face faster, faster, faster. It shouldn't move as fast as it does. It's unnatural. Isn't it? Is that how fast it goes for everyone? Or should I be admitted into the psych ward? No. Every older person I know gives the same advice: don't blink. It's amazing how easily I take things for granted.

I'm used to uprooting my life and starting over, leaving behind everything familiar and embracing the new. But it's different when you're doing it alone without your family. I'm not afraid if that's what you're thinking. No, I know I'll be just fine. I'm excited really. I've been itching for a change for the last two years or so. I've been here for five years. That's the longest I've ever lived that I can remember. I'm ready for a change. Scratch that. I need a change. While all of that is true and I'm excited and beyond ready to get out of here, I can't shake the feeling that I'll miss everyone. Not seeing these people's faces everyday will be an adjustment. Goodbyes are hard. I haven't had to do one in quite some time now. I wonder if I'm even good at them anymore?

No matter what happens, I'm making a promise to make the most of these last couple of months. Senior year, let's finish off strong!

Stay up well!
Yours Truly, Julia

Soul Mates

Tell me something: do you believe in soul mates? Two people meant to be together for all of eternity. Whose souls should combine together as one. Like two pieces of a puzzle that fit just right. A rusting key that unlocks a treasure chest. Destined to find each other. Love at first sight. Do you believe in all of that? Or any of that?

I do.

I believe there is one person out there for everyone. I'm blessed because I've grown up with a phenomenal example: my parents. They met when they were sixteen years old and have been together ever since. More than half of their lives. Sure they fight (about money... I'm pretty sure my mom's a shopaholic) but they would do anything and everything for each other. I have grown up in a household with so much love and it has made me believe that yes, in fact soul mates are real. My parents are soul mates. I know it.

It's safe to say (as shallow as it is) that one of my greatest fears is to not find my soul mate. What if I can't find that one person whose hand fits with mine perfectly as if they were created together. What if I do find that person but it's too late? There are so many things that could go wrong... That's where fate steps in. I'm also a big believer in "everything happens for a reason." What's meant to be will be. It will always find its way.

 I think that God has a plan for me and I just need to trust him. I love the saying about telling God your future plans and God laughs or something? Ahh. I wish I knew what it was.

Serendipity. Fate. Soul mates. Love. Destiny. Love at first sight. True love's kiss. I believe in it all. It's magical and it's miraculous. It's hopeful and it's happy. These are the things we dream about and wiish for throughout our lives. Yes, I dream of puppies and Channing Tatum on clouds too, but I thought I'd go with a more conventional approach.

Dear Night Owls,
I don't believe I feel like talking about myself tonight. What is there to say other than it's heartweek this week and I'm incredibly excited? That old story would put even the most wide awake person to sleep. So how about a little snippet of something else? The song I've been playing on repeat: You Really Got a Hold on Me
The lyrics...
I don't like you, but I love you
Seems that I'm always thinkin' of you
You treat me badly, I love you madly
You've really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)

Baby, I don't want you, but I need you
Don't wanna kiss you, but I need to
You do me wrong now, my love is strong now
You've really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)

Baby, I love you and all I want you to do
Is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hole me
Tighter, tighter

I wanna leave you, don't wanna stay here
Don't wanna spend another day here
I wanna split now, I can't quit now
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/smokey-robinson-lyrics/you-really-got-a-hold-on-me-lyrics.html]
You've really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)

Baby, I love you and all I want you to do
Is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hole me
(Please, squeeze)

You really got a hold on me
(You really got a hold on me)
I said you really got a hold on me
(I said you really got a hold on me)
You know, you really got a hold on me
(You know, you really got a hold on me)
You know, you really got a hold on me
(You know, you really got a hold on me)

I said you really got a hold on me
(I said you really got a hold on me)
You know, you really got a hold on me
(You know, you really got a hold on me)
I can't get enough of this song. Honestly. I've heard it in so many different movies, but I watched Flipped last week and I remembered how much I love this song so I sent out a massive search party through google until I found what song it was! I love oldies songs. Plus Smokey's voice is mesmarizing. And smooth, like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. How delicious do those sound?
Check the song out if you've never heard it. Especially if you're in a lovey-dovey mood. It's especially good then! Stay up well.
Yours Truly, Julia

silly me

Dear Night Owls,
I just had a great night hanging out with my friends. So what could possibly make me upset? Oh yeah! I remember... the fact that I can be over the top obnoxious and do stupid things when I'm nervous. I don't know why, but some people just make me act crazy. I get loud and I do stupid things like jokingly punch someone in the shoulder. Trying to be playful? Cute? Who knows. All do know is that I feel like a fool after that. I really need to work on keeping myself in check. Nerves should be easier to control than I allow them to be. I don't know why I have to do these things. They're all such little things that I shouldn't think about because it's not going to matter in a week or so, but I hate the thought of someone leaving and being like, "what was that for?" Gah. Why do I do SUCH stupid things? This all seems vague I'm sure so I'll give you an example from sixth grade (an insignificant event to everyone else, but to me it's like a tattoo). In sixth grade my family went on spring break to Arizona. My sister's best friend's family also went. It just so happened that her brother was in my grade. Tom. He was so cute! And did I mention that the week before we left for Pheonix he told me he liked me? It was the best day of my life- I had only been waiting for a year! It was fate. Fast forward to dinner with our two families. We both ordered Mountain Dews (soul mates). When the waitress came by to drop off our drinks and set a MD in between us, I reached over and grabbed it. He looked at me and said, "I got a MD." I was mortified. Of course he ordered the best soda on the menu, and stupid me had to take his! (Mine was set down to me left without me noticing it). I will never forget the humiliation I felt from that situation. Pathetic, yes. All you need to know is that is how I'm feeling right now. And I hate it. HATE it.

Oh well. I just need to forget it and move on. Good luck with that, Jules! There's my rant for the night. I'll still be up though... had two too many Dr. Peppers! (Mountain Dew is tainted from sixth grade spring break). Stay up well.
Yours Truly,
Julia

#thatshittymomentwhen

Dear Night Owls,
It's not even late as I write this, but the sun has gone down and the stars and moon have come out to play. If only they were visible to me tonight. While my fingers punch each letter on the keyboard, I'm listening to Maroon 5's "Never Gonna Leave This Bed" and I can feel my eyes burning from tears that are fighting to break the baracade that holds them back. I'm over my ex, but I still have a difficult time dealing with the fact that he cheated on me. With his ex-girlfriend. Yeah. Great way to start off senior year, right?

If you ever want to make someone feel worthless, stupid, unwanted...cheat on them! It does all that and more! One of the other things that he took from me when he was unfaithful: trust. I don't know how I'm supposed to trust someone else with my feelings, my thoughts, my heart, me. I feel like a fool because he played me. Let me believe he was genuine when he'd been keeping this secret from me for months. I can't trust myself to make a good decision after I'd made such a poor one when I wanted to still be with him.

Moving on is easier said than done. Sometimes I just don't know how. How can I forgive him for changing the person I was. I liked her so much better than who I am now. This new girl is less optimistic. She's angry and sad even when she plasters a smile on her face. She's fake. She pretends to be strong when she's unraveling. She's insecure and she doesn't know how to get back to who she was. Identity theft. I miss me. I want to be happy and smiley again. I am so sick of this imposter. This wannabe. Why can't she just be?

Because some things are better expressed in poetry...
"She Will Be"
On the surface she smiles brightly,
with her sadness showing slightly.
No one sees nor hears her pain.
Her tears are silent unlike the rain.

A skeleton, empty, a bag of bones;
She never wimpers, she never moans.
Instead she laughs and acts with ease,
trying to be happy, trying to please.

Destroyed,
Devastated,
Demolished,
Determined.

She will pull through,
she must.

Stopping,
Starting,
Stranger,
Stronger.

Better than ever.
She will be.

I know it'll all be fine though. It just takes time. And I do believe in true love still. Sometimes the night triggers certain emotions.

Stay up well my friends! It's the weekend-- no bed time!
Yours Truly, Julia

Sleep, You Can't Come Soon Enough for Me

Dear Night Owls,
Tonight I am begging sleep to knock on my door. So far no luck. I can only run on 5 hours of sleep for so long. Fortunately, that's what coffee is for, right? If only it tasted better.... I got lucky today barely having homework, so why am I still awake? If I try to analyze what's running around in my mind, I only end up wearing myself out. It's maddening to think I have a ton of free time and all I end up doing is nothing. No matter how hard I try, sleep doesn't come to me.

Maybe that's my problem: trying. Somehow I don't believe not trying is the solution, so what is? Normally my go to sleep-inducer is reading, but lately once I start I can't stop. I have to know what's going to happen. Maybe that's why I stay awake so late...I feel like I can't miss out on anything. Then I have to wonder: what could I possibly be missing out on at 1:30 in the morning? It's not like anyone in my house is awake. Maybe I should go back to counting sheep...SIKE! That's unlikely. Maybe I should just do a bunch of high energy activities during the day and wear myself down like a little kid. Maybe new techniques aren't what I need.

I think what I need is an on/off switch for my brain. This whole restless mind thing isn't working for me anymore. Not tonight at least. Normally I can find things to do to occupy my time, but tonight I can feel the heaviness of my eyes, but they won't stay shut. They're fighting me and they're winning. I'm just hoping tomorrow night is a better night. Now before I let my exhaustion get the best of me, I must say good night and stay up well!

Yours Truly,
Julia

Sleep

Night. It's magical. It's reckless. Nothing good ever happens after midnight. Right? Wrong? I can't decide. All I know is that I have to find ways to pass the lonely hours that linger until my eyes can take it no longer. That familiar exhaustion that creeps up on you, weighing heavily on your lids. They flutter trying to stay open and your head drops before quickly bobbing back up. "I'm still up." It's like falling asleep in class, but this time there's no teacher to glare at you with her unnaturally menacing eyes. I thought only cats and monsters had yellow eyes.

Sleep is coming up quickly, quietly. Tiptoeing into your bedroom and lurking in the shadows. Before you know it, he's climbing onto your bed and crawling under your covers. He's warm and comforting. Your head does that bobbing and bouncing thing a couple more times. Your legs even twitch, spazz. But it's okay because you were saving yourself from your imaginary fall. You jolt back awake, but only for another minute or less. Sleep reaches his hand over your eyes, closing your eyelids and then he strokes your hair. Relaxed. Relieved. Sleep.


This is a test post. Normally I wouldn't take the time to describe falling asleep, but instead talk about all of the things I shouldn't be doing. This blog will serve as a diary. An archive for my night time adventures. Who needs sleep when there's so many other things to do? Can I get a hoot hoot?

Because this blog is meant to be read in the late/early hours (depending on how you look at it) and is meant for my fellow insomniacs, I refuse to say sleep well (I'm assuming most readers don't/won't sleep). So instead I will sign off with...

Stay up well. (We'll see if that sticks...).