Buddy Knows Best

"What's my favorite movie?" you might ask. I'd answer, "Elf" in less than a second and a half. It puts me in a GREAT mood no matter what season it is (yes, I watch it in July if that was what you were wondering). Not only is Will Farrell a fantastic actor, but also the script is just full of classic, humorous lines. How often do you find yourself laughing at a joke you've heard numerous times? I. Love. Elf. No questions asked.

Want to know what I love more than Elf?

Of course you do.

My boyfriend.

I'm in love with Erik John Roti. He is the nicest, most genuine, hilarious, goofy, crazy (in a good way), silly, wonderful guy I know.

Erik is the type of guy who gave me back my confidence. He is the guy that let me believe in myself and showed me that there is more than me than what is on the surface. Without him I wouldn't be the girl I am today.

It's weird to think that we've been dating for only almost four months. I feel like it's been almost four years. Which it has been if you think about it (we've been FLIRTY friends since freshman year...both of us too stupid to realize the other liked eachother).

Erik makes me laugh more than anyone I've ever met. In all honesty,once high school came, I never thought I would genuinely laugh again. I faked my way through plenty of jokes, events, and randommess. But, I never meant any of it. I wasn't depressed, but I may as well have been. I wasn't sure of anything. I was insecure. I was stupid. I didn't know what I wanted. I realized later that I just wasn't happy. I tried dating another guy (I later realized this was a disaster) but that didn't work out. No one ever made me feel the way Erik does.

It's weird to think that someone so close to you could end up being the key that unlocks your happiness. But, that is exactly what I realized Erik was to me. He made me happier than anything ever had and anyone ever could. I know I'm only 18, but I know he is the love of my life. No one EVER could replace him. No one EVER could make me laugh the way he does. 11 hours away and he still has me laughing harder than I ever have (and it's genuine).

Erik, if you read this (which you will because I'll send you this link) I want you to know that I've never loved anyone (and I don't know that I ever will) the way that I love you. And I think you're the most perfect and amazing guy. You literally make me the happiest I've ever been and I'm a really happy person. You know exactly the right thing to say no matter what and you can make me smile even when I'm feeling the lowest. I don't know what I'd do without you and I'm so thankful I have you in my life. You are my best friend and I love you more than you will ever know.

Insecurities

Every once in a while I have moments of insecurities. Seconds. Or even a fraction of a second. I reassure myself that this is normal, but I don't even know where it stems from. What happened to the little girl who fearlessly wore a pink high-heeled flip-flop on her left foot and an Adidas tennis shoe on her right? That girl who had the confidence to wear whatever it is she thought would define her as unique even if it meant wearing six different pony tails at one time no longer exists. At least not all the time.

It has nothing to do with the clothes I wear or wore (though I am SO glad I outgrew the blue and gold eyeshadow) but everything to do with the carefree attitude I once possessed.

Blame it on the media, the mean girls, boys, whatever you choose to be your scapegoat. Yeah, maybe they had some effects on who you are today, but is it ever just because of ourselves? We compare ourselves to everyone around us. Why don't I look like her? Why don't I act that cool in front of cute boys? Are we programmed to think this way eventually? Is it in our genes to be self-conscious?

I can remember doing whatever I wanted and not worrying. Worry. It's the thief of happiness. It gets us nowhere. It superglues us to the past and prevents us from moving on with our lives and enjoying them. Why do we worry? Is it because of what other people will think? Or is it because of what we will think of ourselves?

So many questions and it's not even midnight....can you say, "no sleep tonight?" I can....

If anyone has answers, I'm willing to listen. Good night y'all!

boo.

How do you tell the person you love the most that you're not always the person he thought you were? How can I say, "I'm miserable" without worrying him or making him think he did something wrong? The funny thing is, it has NOTHING to do with him. No. It has everything to do with exhaustion, homesickness, and loneliness. But I guess the latter two go hand in hand.

I can honestly say I never thought I would be homesick. Then again, I never anticipated to sit home by myself on a Friday night. Granted, watching Bridesmaids is an overall enjoyable experience, but it isn't ideal especially when all of my friends are out and having a good time. It's not the best feeling when all of the friends you've made already have their group of friends or boyfriends that they can call up when there's nothing to do. I have never missed my boyfriend or my best friend as much as I do in this very moment. Kayle, if you ever read this I will never watch Bridesmaids without thinking of you. Boo. I'm trying not to cry with that one. Erik, if you read this I'm not as sad as I seem. I'm just feeling down on myself because I feel like I have no friends. But, I promise as soon as I wake up in the morning I will turn this frown upside down and be just as positive as I always seem to be.

Welcome to my pity party. I never complain about this kind of stuff. At least not normally. I just needed to vent to someone and who better to listen to my rants than this under the radar blog? Fortunately, I'm already feeling better. It's funny how just getting the words out on paper (though it's not exactly paper) can make me feel better. Thank you, writing. You have been and always will be there for me.

Okay. Now that I've had my negative moment, I can switch it back to positive. Which is how I usually am and how I always should be.

I better get to sleep. The lack of Z's is contributing to my overwhelming amount of emotions. Boo. Sleep is a whore. Always with someone else. Cheating on me are you? I see how it is. Come back to my bed now. I miss you. Thanks.





Again, I apologize for any disoriented and fragmented thoughts. It's late. I'm tired. I'm emotional. It happens. Deal with it. Have a good night!