Back At It

Man, how I've missed writing. The feeling of my fingers moving swiftly across the keyboard is indescribable. It's like a friendship that picks up right where it left off. There are no hard feelings between the two of us (though, there should be due to my intense neglect).

I think part of the reason I haven't written is that I haven't had anything new to write about. Plus, I've been swamped with school. I was stuck in an abyss of research papers and literary analyses. Their gravity is relentless, constantly pulling me down, down, down. Though, I have to say I was pleased with my grades. So I really shouldn't be complaining that much, should I?

But now I have something to write about: my excitement for tomorrow!! Tomorrow I will be homeward bound to Minnesota for the last time. While that thought is upsetting and hits me with a pang of sadness, I'm anxious to get home and be with my family and friends for Christmas break! Hello one month of vacation!!!!! If my exclamation point usage doesn't give away my emotions, then the sky isn't blue. Although, this is my late night blog, so the sky is black right now (with some stars freckling its face). But I guess it's got to be blue somewhere, right? Probably in Australia... What I would give to be able to go to Australia....

Anyway, break here I come! Snow, prepare yourself for an epic play date. Friends and family, expect bear hugs. And house, though this is our last time together, know that you've been great and I'll never forget the memories made there.

On that note, I've got a ten hour car ride in the morning! So good night! Sleep well, or not at all my fellow night owls!

Forever yawning, Julia

Buddy Knows Best

"What's my favorite movie?" you might ask. I'd answer, "Elf" in less than a second and a half. It puts me in a GREAT mood no matter what season it is (yes, I watch it in July if that was what you were wondering). Not only is Will Farrell a fantastic actor, but also the script is just full of classic, humorous lines. How often do you find yourself laughing at a joke you've heard numerous times? I. Love. Elf. No questions asked.

Want to know what I love more than Elf?

Of course you do.

My boyfriend.

I'm in love with Erik John Roti. He is the nicest, most genuine, hilarious, goofy, crazy (in a good way), silly, wonderful guy I know.

Erik is the type of guy who gave me back my confidence. He is the guy that let me believe in myself and showed me that there is more than me than what is on the surface. Without him I wouldn't be the girl I am today.

It's weird to think that we've been dating for only almost four months. I feel like it's been almost four years. Which it has been if you think about it (we've been FLIRTY friends since freshman year...both of us too stupid to realize the other liked eachother).

Erik makes me laugh more than anyone I've ever met. In all honesty,once high school came, I never thought I would genuinely laugh again. I faked my way through plenty of jokes, events, and randommess. But, I never meant any of it. I wasn't depressed, but I may as well have been. I wasn't sure of anything. I was insecure. I was stupid. I didn't know what I wanted. I realized later that I just wasn't happy. I tried dating another guy (I later realized this was a disaster) but that didn't work out. No one ever made me feel the way Erik does.

It's weird to think that someone so close to you could end up being the key that unlocks your happiness. But, that is exactly what I realized Erik was to me. He made me happier than anything ever had and anyone ever could. I know I'm only 18, but I know he is the love of my life. No one EVER could replace him. No one EVER could make me laugh the way he does. 11 hours away and he still has me laughing harder than I ever have (and it's genuine).

Erik, if you read this (which you will because I'll send you this link) I want you to know that I've never loved anyone (and I don't know that I ever will) the way that I love you. And I think you're the most perfect and amazing guy. You literally make me the happiest I've ever been and I'm a really happy person. You know exactly the right thing to say no matter what and you can make me smile even when I'm feeling the lowest. I don't know what I'd do without you and I'm so thankful I have you in my life. You are my best friend and I love you more than you will ever know.

Insecurities

Every once in a while I have moments of insecurities. Seconds. Or even a fraction of a second. I reassure myself that this is normal, but I don't even know where it stems from. What happened to the little girl who fearlessly wore a pink high-heeled flip-flop on her left foot and an Adidas tennis shoe on her right? That girl who had the confidence to wear whatever it is she thought would define her as unique even if it meant wearing six different pony tails at one time no longer exists. At least not all the time.

It has nothing to do with the clothes I wear or wore (though I am SO glad I outgrew the blue and gold eyeshadow) but everything to do with the carefree attitude I once possessed.

Blame it on the media, the mean girls, boys, whatever you choose to be your scapegoat. Yeah, maybe they had some effects on who you are today, but is it ever just because of ourselves? We compare ourselves to everyone around us. Why don't I look like her? Why don't I act that cool in front of cute boys? Are we programmed to think this way eventually? Is it in our genes to be self-conscious?

I can remember doing whatever I wanted and not worrying. Worry. It's the thief of happiness. It gets us nowhere. It superglues us to the past and prevents us from moving on with our lives and enjoying them. Why do we worry? Is it because of what other people will think? Or is it because of what we will think of ourselves?

So many questions and it's not even midnight....can you say, "no sleep tonight?" I can....

If anyone has answers, I'm willing to listen. Good night y'all!

boo.

How do you tell the person you love the most that you're not always the person he thought you were? How can I say, "I'm miserable" without worrying him or making him think he did something wrong? The funny thing is, it has NOTHING to do with him. No. It has everything to do with exhaustion, homesickness, and loneliness. But I guess the latter two go hand in hand.

I can honestly say I never thought I would be homesick. Then again, I never anticipated to sit home by myself on a Friday night. Granted, watching Bridesmaids is an overall enjoyable experience, but it isn't ideal especially when all of my friends are out and having a good time. It's not the best feeling when all of the friends you've made already have their group of friends or boyfriends that they can call up when there's nothing to do. I have never missed my boyfriend or my best friend as much as I do in this very moment. Kayle, if you ever read this I will never watch Bridesmaids without thinking of you. Boo. I'm trying not to cry with that one. Erik, if you read this I'm not as sad as I seem. I'm just feeling down on myself because I feel like I have no friends. But, I promise as soon as I wake up in the morning I will turn this frown upside down and be just as positive as I always seem to be.

Welcome to my pity party. I never complain about this kind of stuff. At least not normally. I just needed to vent to someone and who better to listen to my rants than this under the radar blog? Fortunately, I'm already feeling better. It's funny how just getting the words out on paper (though it's not exactly paper) can make me feel better. Thank you, writing. You have been and always will be there for me.

Okay. Now that I've had my negative moment, I can switch it back to positive. Which is how I usually am and how I always should be.

I better get to sleep. The lack of Z's is contributing to my overwhelming amount of emotions. Boo. Sleep is a whore. Always with someone else. Cheating on me are you? I see how it is. Come back to my bed now. I miss you. Thanks.





Again, I apologize for any disoriented and fragmented thoughts. It's late. I'm tired. I'm emotional. It happens. Deal with it. Have a good night!

Love to Time (But in a Less Poetic Form)

Can one overuse "I love you?" Some people would say yes, but I would say no. Why not tell the people in your life who you love that you them? How are we to know how much longer we have on this earth? I don't mean to be morbid or cliche, but it's an idea worth thinking about. Well, at least it's one of those thoughts that circulates the air in my head, suffocating my brain, forbidding me to sleep.

It's not as easy as it seems to live our lives to the fullest. Without fear, without restraints. Even as someone challenges you to push yourself outside of your comfort zone, you may find it's a lot easier said than done. Taking one risk a day is something I've always wanted to do but never had the courage to actually try. Maybe this new beginning I've been given is my place to achieve that goal. No one is here with me to hold me back or to tell me I can't. It's all up to me. Jump or don't jump. Do or die (not literally because, well, that would suck).

I know I should be sleeping and I know I should be more focused on my school work (it's really just one class that I can't stand... the ever dreaded World Lit). Sometimes I just find better things to do. These coming weeks are about to be jam packed with activities and I cannot wait! With everything finally starting to mold into a routine and our calendars filling up, the time is going to begin to fly by. It still hasn't hit me that I'm in my second week of college. Who am I and what have I done with Julia? Woah. Time. That slut. Going around like she runs this place. I hate her.

I found yet another amazing quote on pinterest. Unfortunately, I don't remember its author. "Procrastination is the thief of time." Think about it. Marinating. Soaking up the flavor. Mmmmm. Taste how good that quote is. Good night! Maybe now that I've verbalized a few of my mumble-jumbled thoughts I'll be able to sleep soundly.

Skype Dates

I've never been so thankful for technology. I mean, don't get me wrong, love letters are definitely as romantic as they were twenty years ago, but the fact that I'm able to skype with my boyfriend who is eleven hours away is probably one the best inventions man has ever had. I can't even imagine what it's like for the men and women whose significant others are halfway across the world. Distance, man, it's hard.

College is da bomb diggity. All the freedom I've ever wanted and more. If I want to I can go hang out until three in the morning and do stupid stuff with my friends, but lately my favorite thing I've done is skype dates. I'm not saying I'm not making the most of my college experience because believe me, I am. I just love coming back to my dorm and seeing that familiar curly mop head. It's the perfect remedy for homesickness, or rather, boyfriend-sickness.

Leave it to this blog to be full of random, unrelated, and poorly thought out strings of ideas and fragments and ramblings and stuff that doesn't make sense. I go from talking about skyping to thinking about how I had Ramen noodles for dinner and my sudden craving for chocolates (thank God for the hidden stash of candy above my desk).

I miss him. And his roommate Connor is really cool.

See? The randomness is sickening. I'm so sorry for anyone who was expecting a quality, well put together group of thoughts.

It's funny how you don't realize how much someone means to you (even if you think you do) until they're gone. </3

But honestly, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Dear Night Owls,

I often wonder if everything really does happen for a reason. Is it possible that God really does have a plan for us and he gives us just enough heartache before true happiness is in our grips? I think so. I also believe it's true that what we want isn't always the best thing for us (found that out the hard way). I just assume it's best to go with the flow and see where our choices take us.

Choices. What if we make the wrong ones? Or what if we're too late to choose the right option? Is that still a part of the plan? Can wrongs be righted? Fate and destiny are on the top shelf of comprehension. Just out of my reach. But maybe that's for the best... maybe I'm not supposed to understand such big ideas. Not yet anyway.  Heck, I'm only 17! (for one more month...).

I guess it's best if I just hope and pray that I'm doing everything right or at least to the best of my ability. If that's the case what can really go wrong?